


Better.

by SassySnowperson (DramaticEntrance)



Series: Bodhi Lives [3]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Blood, Body Horror, Epistolary, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Humor, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Violence, and not the focus, but they are there, most mentions are brief, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 20:17:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9458852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaticEntrance/pseuds/SassySnowperson
Summary: Bodhi needs therapy. What he's got is K-2SO.This might not actually be a bad thing.A story about angry letters, confronting feelings, and getting better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here we go. This fic deals with the mental health stuff that happens when you survive something terrible. Mental health issues are really important to me and also relevant to what I’m doing in my personal life. I really wanted to take the time to explore what surviving a war might look like and how friends (even terribly ill-equipped friends) can react in ways that are helpful and not so helpful. 
> 
> That being said, this fic is still as full of humor and joy as I could make it. For one, it’s nearly impossible to write Bodhi and K-2SO and have it happen without humor. Second, this is a love letter to all the people dealing with brains that don’t always play nicely. You are vibrant and funny and not defined by tragedy. I tried to channel that into Bodhi. 
> 
> For those following along at home, “Traumatic Induced Stress Syndrome/TISS” basically = PTSD. Well, actually, it...you know what, finicky mental health stuff is going in the end note. 
> 
> The things that Bodhi and K-2SO try together are all real-life therapies that help people with PTSD and other mental health issues. I’ll have more information on that in the end note. 
> 
> This is my representation of how this could look between Bodhi and K-2SO. I tried to do my research, but I’m sure I still got things wrong. Apologies in advance. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings (details in the end notes): symptoms of PTSD explicitly described, remembered and imagined violence is described, body horror, blood, breath and breathing issues, brief mention of suicidal ideation. Many of these occur in flashbacks or nightmares. Avoiding the chunks of text that are _italicized_ will steer you away from the vast majority of these. 
> 
> Ten thousand thanks to [Aeshna](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeshna/%20) who served as a sounding board and brainstormer.

“It is very inconvenient that I can’t reprogram you,” K-2SO said, his voice coming down from the intercom in Bodhi’s small bedroom.

“That is just fine and not at all alarming,” Bodhi mumbled, stumbling out of the room and over to the ‘fresher. His head felt enveloped in a thick grey fog and he felt like he was moving through soup. He shook his head, trying to clear it away. It settled back in, dragging his limbs down as soon as he stopped.

“Your recharge cycle is malfunctioning,” K-2SO informed Bohdi, his voice now coming from the intercom in the ‘fresher. “You keep waking up.”

Bodhi stopped his sleepy fumble with the toothbrush.

_The grenade landed in the ship. Bodhi was frozen. He tried to move. He couldn’t move. Bodhi was outside of his body, screaming at himself. The grenade still hadn’t exploded. Bodhi was still frozen. He couldn’t…_

“Yeah that’s...just a thing that happens to people sometimes,” Bodhi said, shoving his toothbrush in his mouth.

“Inefficient,” K-2SO said.

“Ya ‘ellin ee,” Bodhi responded.

_Bodhi stood in a pile of bone-white dust. The dust reached up and twisted around his legs. The dust formed a hand, and began to pull Bodhi down into the dust. Bodhi felt himself sinking. Grotesque faces began to form in the dust. Jyn, Chirrut, Baze, Cassian, yelling at him, unintelligible garbled speech. As Bodhi sunk down the dust filled his mouth, his nose, and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t scream..._

“I have no idea what you said,” K-2SO said

Bodhi took the toothbrush out of his mouth. “You’re telling me.” He spat in the sink.

“There must be some way to fix this,” K-2SO said.

“Just takes time. And for right now, caf. Please tell me there’s some caf.”

* * *

Bodhi looked up to find K-2SO’s new disguised sentry body bringing him a cup of caf. Bodhi nodded to him, grabbed the cup, and settled back into his study of the datadiscs they had pulled from the Imperial Intelligence Center. He had been going through them for...hours now.

They were on route to Mystfour, but it was a long trip by hyperdrive, and there wasn’t much to do during the downtime. Reviewing the datadiscs was a good way to keep busy. A steady stream of caf had helped him stay focused. Bodhi briefly wondered what time it was. There wasn’t really a point to keeping a good sleep schedule in space. Besides, Bodhi had reasons to want to sleep as little as possible.

He took a sip of his caf. Then coughed it out again, “What is this!?”

“Reviewing sleep malfunctions suggest that excess caffeine is a contributing factor. I have provided you with soothing chamomile tea.”

“No.”

“Research has assured me that this will help you maintain a proper wake/sleep cycle.”

“This is just flower water.” Bodhi waved the cup at the droid.

“It is soothing flower water.”

“Do I look soothed!” Bodhi’s voice was raised and he jabbed with the cup at K-2SO.

“Well, clearly not, you have not consumed the soothing tea. Be soothed.”

Bodhi growled.

* * *

“I do not understand your objection to the soothing flowers,” K-2SO told Bodhi.

Bodhi, with his freshly brewed cup of caf, ambled back over to the chair and settled in. He was exhausted. Maybe K-2SO had a point. Not that he would ever admit that.

“Look, it’s more than just not sleeping well. Just changing the way I sleep won’t fix anything.” Bodhi took a sip from his cup and relaxed as the familiar bitter taste warmed him.

“It’s worse?” K-2SO asked. The droid body in front of him chittered and bobbed up and down.

“No just, complicated. We’ve been through a lot. Humans take time to deal with things.” Bodhi said.

“Is reading through discs for hours helping you deal?”

“Yes,” Bodhi said, firmly, “It’s distracting. If I have too much downtime I just start thinking about Scarif and the people we lost and…”

Bodhi trailed off. “I’m dealing. I’ll be better when we get to Mystfour. Then I’ll be doing something. I appreciate the concern.” Bodhi reached up and patted the droid twice.

“If I had my normal body, you would not be so condescending.” The droid droid floated a few feet away from him.

Bodhi snorted, and settle back in with the discs.

_Screams and the smell of blood. Each breath he took filled his mouth with the metallic tang. He was choking. Soft hands cradled his face, he looked up. His mother. Just as he met her eyes she took a blaster bolt to the chest. She fell on his face, and all he could smell was charred flesh and all he could taste was blood_

Bodhi awoke, coughing. He had fallen asleep on the small couch by the kitchen. He shook his head to clear some of the cobwebs. He looked to see what time it was. Too early to be awake, too late to not be sleeping.

“Fuck.” Bodhi muttered. He got up and ambled over to his bedroom. The room Bodhi was sleeping in stretched the definition of that word. It was more a closet with a bed wedged into it and some small storage. It was identical to the bedroom on his own shuttle.

Bodhi shut the door behind him, and he felt his heart start pounding in his chest. _Too small, too dark, grenade is going to go off any second, you should have run_. Bodhi reached over and opened the door again. He collapsed into bed, and waited for sleep to take him.

_The dust was crawling up his legs, grabbing onto his waist. It formed a face, frozen in an ugly rictus, but still screaming. Bodhi. Why didn’t you save us. The dust crawled to his chest. He can’t move. ‘Bodhi.’ Why did you leave us. At his collarbones. ‘Bodhi.’ You spineless coward. In his mouth. ‘Bodhi.’ Nostrils. ‘Bodhi.’ Can’t breathe._

Bodhi awoke with a sudden gasp and a scream.

“Bodhi.”

Bodhi flailed around, getting tangled in the sheets, trying to find the source of the noise. It was dark, he couldn’t see.

“Well, you look more irritable than ever. That didn’t work. I’ll have to try something else.”

Bodhi slowly realized that the voice was coming over the shuttle’s internal comms system. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw that K-2SO’s droid body was hovering nearby. Bodhi began to reach out for it, but he stopped himself. He reached down and clenched at the sheets instead. He forced himself to lay back down, body still tense, heart still racing.

“Were you trying to wake me up?” Bodhi asked.

“Research indicated that calling the person’s name in a loud but calm tone should assist in waking up. This does not appear to be the case.”

Bodhi shook his head. “It just...it was a part of the dream. Made the dream worse.”

“Have I mentioned lately that your biological regulation systems are entirely inefficient.”

He lay very still and counted to, muscles still wound tight, heart still racing, before he gave up. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and stood up.

“Are you certain you should begin waking up? You did not get sufficient sleep.”

Bodhi clenched his hands. His heart still thundered in his chest, and felt a panicked need to escape.

“Okay!” Bodhi snapped, “Rule one of trying to make me feel better. Do! Not! Remind! Me! Of how little sleep I’ve gotten. It is infuriating! And, surprise, I already know how little sleep I’ve gotten so it is and _not at all helpful_.”

Bodhi’s words built until he was yelling. As he stopped, he found he was breathing heavily, fist clenched so tight there were bright spots of pain where his fingernails dug into his hand. As the anger oozed out he felt his heart rate calm. Then the shame crept in. “I’m sorry, I know you’re just trying to help, I just don’t feel good. I’m a little snappy.”

“That was great,” K-2SO replied.

“What?” Bodhi said.

“Parameters. I can work with those. Feel free to establish additional ones.” The droid began trundling out of the small room. “Additionally, I am not trying to make you feel better, I am trying to make you better.”

Bodhi had a sinking feeling he was going to grow to resent that particular specifier.

* * *

Bodhi was going between a datadisc and their ship’s star chart, updating the navigational information with the data gathered on Imperial shipping information. He was midway through charting a hyperspace lane transfer, when the comms unit came on overhead.

“There is a way reprogram humans.”

Bodhi set down the datadisc and looked for K-2SO’s droid body. It was coming toward him, chittering.

“No. That is a bad thing. We don’t do that,” Bodhi said, edging away from the droid body.

“It’s not bad. There are multiple examples of human neural pathways being altered.”

Bodhi continued backing up. “Um, I could really use some emotion, Buddy.”

The holovid projector sprung on, now routed through a projector in the metal chassis.

“Please be sarcasm, please be sarcasm,” Bodhi muttered to himself.

“Finally,” a short-haired scientist said, in tones that could only be described as earnest, “something that makes sense!”

Not sarcasm. Okay, this was going to require a delicate touch.

“Okay, I know you are coming at this from a unique experience, but reprogramming humans is usually only done by very bad people. Monstrous people. It’s considered one of the worst things you can do, and it usually hurts the human quite a bit—”

“Oh, maker, you think I meant torture,” K-2SO said over comms.

The holovid player switched to the same scientist at another time. The camera zoomed in on her face before she said, “No.”

“I mean, what the mind-healers do. It’s basically reprogramming a human. Or at the very least debugging them,” K-2SO said.

Bodhi breathed a sigh of relief. “That was terrifying. Future reference, debugging...less threatening. Still unnerving.”

“Excellent, modifying parameters. Very good. Now, while I am not a licensed mind-healer, there are still a number of steps we can take to…”

Bodhi held up his hands. “I don’t need a mind healer. I’m just grieving! And...honestly, I don’t want that taken away from me. It’s what I have left. ”

K-2SO said, “Hm.”

Bodhi waited for a few more moments, before shaking his head and returning to his work.

* * *

“So,” K-2SO said after a few minutes, “you said you think about Scarif and Galen dying if things get too quiet. Even if you do not desire to?”

Bodhi sighed. “Yes. I can’t always control it.”

“And your sleep is disturbed. Are there visions of Scarif and Galen?”

Bodhi swallowed, “Yes. It’s bad, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get the shipping routes on the map.”

“So you attempt to avoid thinking about it by not mentioning and avoiding the topics.”

Bodhi set down the disc again. “Yes! Yes! What is this? Let’s make fun of Bodhi for being broken!?”

The droid made an indignant chitter and bobbed up and down.

“No. I am gathering data. It is important data. Do you ever feel like you are watching yourself from the outside, or like time has slown down?”

Bodhi stilled. “How did you know about that?”

“Is that a yes?”

“I don’t talk about that. Am I doing something different? Am I screwing something up? I thought—” Bodhi’s voice choked in his throat.

“No, if I could see it from the outside, I wouldn’t need to ask you. I have already taken into account your frequently accelerated heart rate, breathing patterns, exaggerated startle response,”

“What?” Bodhi yelled at K-2SO.

“...irritable behavior.” K-2SO continued.

Bodhi forced himself to take a deep breath in and then a slow breath out.

“What,” he continued, in a tense but significantly calmer voice, “is the reason you are doing this?”

“I am running a diagnostic test. I believe I have a conclusion. All the research indicates that at this point I should let you know what is going on. Odd. I’d rather just fix you. But we will follow your traditions. I have provided you with both medical documentation and friendly explanatory pamphlets.”

The map Bodhi was working on disappeared, replaced by official looking medical documentation.

“Traumatic Induced Stress Syndrome (TISS) - Occurring after an individual has been exposed to a traumatic incident such as actual or threatened death, serious injury, or....” 

Bodhi looked at the scrolling information. He bit his lip, and shook his head. “So you do think I’m broken.”

“No,” K-2SO said, “I think certain systems are malfunctioning, there is a difference.”

“Semantics.” Bodhi snorted, eyes riveted to the pages.

“This is not the important part,” K-2SO said.

“Really. You do all this”—Bodhi jabbed his had at the display—“And you don’t think it is important?”

“The important part isn’t that things are wrong. It’s that things can be fixed.”

Bodhi stalked away from the display. K-2SO started to follow with his droid body.

“Not now.” Bodhi held up a hand. He walked across the room and tucked himself into a corner of the open cargo bay. It was as far away from any intercom speaker, and as close to privacy as he was going to get on the shuttle. He shoved his back against the wall and tipped his head back until he felt the cool metal touch it. He was angry. He was confused.

Bodhi pulled out his personal datapad and pulled up information on TISS. He started reading.

* * *

Bodhi eventually stood up, wincing as he rolled his shoulder. Metal was not comfortable. He wandered over to where K-2SO’s droid body was and cleared his throat. He waved the datapad in front of K-2SO.

“It’s not completely impossible that this is happening,” Bodhi said.

“Obviously,” K-2SO responded.

Bodhi felt his teeth clench as his whole body tensed. He forced himself to stay calm. “So, if you have ideas on how to…”

“Debug,” K-2SO supplied helpfully.

“I’m willing to try,” Bodhi said. “Not that I think it will work. But, I mean, it can’t make things worse.

* * *

Bodhi sprawled out on the small couch next to the kitchen. With a groan, he dropped his head back on the couch. He released the datapad he was holding propped up on his chest. It wobbled over and thunked down on his face.

Voice muffled by the pad, he said, “This is worse.”

K-2SO said, “The habit of journaling is well documented to improve human processing and efficiency.”

“It’s dumb,” Bodhi insisted, not bothering to move the pad.

“Perhaps you did not hear me. It is well documented—”

“I don’t know what to write,” Bodhi said.

“It appears that describing the incident—” 

_Guns flashing, smell of charred flesh, the way the atmosphere smelled of sizzling ion -_

“No,” Bodhi said, sitting up quickly. The pad fell off his face and into his lap.. “Not doing that.”

“I don’t see why you insist on impairing the efficiency of your progress. Fine, how about letters to lost loved ones? You have plenty of those.”

“Ouch,” Bodhi said. “And if I do, so do you.”

“I do not need to process. I am already processing effectively. However, I will agree to write letters in solidarity if you will actually write them instead of just staring at the pad and whining.”

Bodhi barked out a laugh. “You would write letters to the team? I...I want to see that.”

“Well, you will, if you write them yourself.”

* * *

> ~~Dear Galen,~~
> 
> ~~You bastard, why the fuck did you have to go and die on me.~~

> Dear Baze,
> 
> Thanks for not killing me, I guess. I don’t blame you. I was sitting there in the uniform of the people who took everything from you. In a very real way, I was one of the people who took everything from you. Sorry about that. I’m trying to make it right.
> 
> I mean, when I was in that cell, my mind more than half blown out by that horrible tentacle monster, death would have been welcome. There have been moments since where… I wish I didn’t have to live through those moments. It would have been easier, not to live through those moments.
> 
> Look, I’m glad I didn’t die. Yeah. That’s what I’ve got. There’s got to be a brighter future out there somewhere.
> 
> So thanks,
> 
> Bodhi. 

~

“Baze tried to kill you?”

“Yes. Um, sort of. Threatened to. We were on Jedha for the first time.”

“Cool.”

“What?”

~

> Dear Baze,
> 
> Your gun was magnificent. It was able to kill multiple targets. You wielded it with precision. You will be missed. So will your gun.
> 
> K-2SO

* * *

“Self maintenance is essential to effective function.” K-2SO said.

“Okay.” Bodhi sprawled over on the couch, kicking his legs up and over one end of the couch, feet sticking off the end.

“Please describe your self-maintenance routine.”

“This is...fine. I shower in the morning, brush my teeth. Tie my hair back. Get dressed. Food.” Bodhi ticked off things on his fingers.

“You are missing a physical activity regimen.”

“Intentionally. One of the nice things about defecting. No more mandatory PT.” Bodhi stretched his arms out over him, everything above his elbows hanging off over the edge of the couch. “Besides, we are in a cargo ship. It’s difficult.”

“Physical activity is vital to health and well functioning as well as maintaining a proper sleep subroutine. I will draw up a training schedule,” K-2SO said.

“Draw it up all you want, I’m not doing it,” Bodhi said, his eyes slowly sliding shut.

“Can you not hear? I just said that physical activity is vital to—” K-2SO replied.

“Yeah, well, I hate it. If I have to do push-ups in space, it’s making things worse,” Bodhi replied.

“Your exercise could be a sensible routine, or it could be running away from me while I shock you with my stunner.”

Bodhi slid one eye open to look at K-2SO. “One, your current chassis prevents you from utilizing your stunner.”

“Ah, yes, that’s an issue I was meaning to talk to you about.”

Bodhi opened his other eye and quirked one eyebrow up. He let his long pause speak for how he felt about K-2SO’s sense of timing.

“Two, I am taking this moment to assert my own sense of autonomy.”

“You read the friendly explanatory pamphlets.”

“I did.” Bodhi grinned.

“You are using the power of pamphlets for evil.”

* * *

_The beach was calm, but wrong. Bodhi walked up and down the beach, a sense of dread building in his chest. There were no birds. Why were there no birds? There was an ominous ripple to the ocean. Something small and brown emerged from the center. And then another ripple. And then another. The brown dots emerged and emerged, tentacles coming out of the water. Bodhi was frozen in place as the tentacles stopped and all started heading directly towards him._

A firm weight thunked down on Bodhi’s chest. Bodhi jerked awake, gasping. His hands flailed up, and he smacked against solid metal. He gave the weight on his chest a few more pats.

“K-2SO?” he said, blinking in the darkness trying to make out a shape.

“It occurred to me that the advice to not wake people out of nightmares using physical touch was directed to organics who are easily injured. I am not easily injured. I am here. There is no need for panic.”

Bodhi relaxed back into bed. The weight of K-2SO began to lift off of him. He felt his heartbeat begin to ratchet up. His hands, still on K-2SO, tightened. He realized what he was doing and let go.

“Ah, sorry,” Bodhi said, feeling dull heat in his checks.

K-2SO lowered the droid body back down to the left of Bodhi’s body. Bodhi felt the weight nudge into his side. Almost without thinking, Bodhi curled around the metal shell, tucking his legs up underneath it. K-2SO’s holovid flickered on, showing a picture of a kitten. A sound of loud purring came from the droid.

“Multiple accounts cite this sound as soothing. I am unable to replicate the vibrations. We should procure a kitten.”

Bodhi let out a low chuckle. “A kitten? On the shuttle? That sounds like a _real nightmare_.”

“They seem relatively harmless. Are there dimensions to kittens I am unaware of?”

“I...no...nevermind.”

“Oh! Humor. Ha!”

“Shut up,” Bodhi said, and yawned. His last thought before drifting back to sleep was mild surprised that his heartbeat was steady.

* * *

> Dear Chirrut,
> 
> Did you know we met before? My mom took my sister and me to the temple. I was...eight or so. Bored out of my mind, mostly. I honestly don’t remember why mom thought it would be a good idea to take me. But I remember I was talking too loud, probably making inappropriate jokes about the statues to my sister. My mom was desperately trying to get me to calm down and behave.
> 
> Then you popped up out of nowhere. I mean, it’s been years, it might not have been you, but I somehow don’t think there are many other blind monks with a smile that big. You told Mom it was fine. That the force was in laughter as well as tears, and we didn’t need to suppress either one. You took me over to another wall carving and told me the most amazing story about a dog farting.
> 
> Forgive me, there was probably a more profound and encompassing narrative to what you said than that. I was eight. It stuck out.
> 
> The temple was lucky to have you. I’m sorry for what happened to it. For all of what happened to it. If I hadn’t defected would the temple still have been there? If I had defected sooner would it? I wish I could change things. But thank you, for making an eight-year-old laugh.
> 
> Bodhi

~

“Chirrut seemed to have better memory and recall than most humans. I believe it likely he remembered you.”

“That’s….really nice K-2SO. Are you okay?”

“Simply stating perceived fact. ”

~

> Dear Chirrut,
> 
> It was rude of you to keep talking about the force. I can’t sense the force. You made terrible tactical decisions and did not stay with the shuttle. You and the force were a variant in my calculations that lead to me needing a wide margin of error. It was very frustrating.
> 
> K-2SO

* * *

“It’s a simple concept.” K-2SO said. “You take the bad code, you program good code to override it.”

“I don’t have code!” Bodhi threw his arms up and glared at the droid.

“The research clearly says otherwise.”

“Let me see that.” Bodhi flopped his arms back down and they landed with a smack on the console. He looked at the display. “It says thoughts! Thoughts are not code.”

“I was translating to make it more understandable.”

* * *

“I would like to revisit the concept of self-maintenance.”

Bodhi pushed the goggles up on his head as he rubbed at his temples. “Nothing has changed my stance on exercising.”

“There is an additional dimension I neglected to mention. Emotional maintenance.” K-2SO said.

“Isn’t that...everything we’ve been doing? I’ve been maintaining so much I’m exhausted,” Bodhi responded.

“If you are exhausted, it is likely because you have not been maintaining proper emotional maintenance. People cite many examples of emotional maintenance. Unfortunately many are precluded as we are in a shuttle. However examples that may be utilized presently including knitting, coloring, applying makeup for costume and personal reasons, puzzles, singing loudly—” 

Bodhi held up his hands. “I have so many questions. When did we get makeup?”

“The shuttle has a complete maintenance registry, including paint.”

“No. That is not makeup. Just, for future reference, do not suggest that.” Bodhi shook his head, muttering, “Going to give some poor fool durashard poisoning.” 

“There are still a number of other options.”

“Yeah...knitting? I repeat my last question but with knitting needles.”

“Again, the maintenance registry cites a number of scrap pieces made for welding purposes. Several of those may be used as knitting needles, or crochet hooks if you prefer.”

“I...don’t actually know enough about knitting needles to tell you whether or not you’re wrong.” Bodhi shrugged. “These things sound like hobbies.”

“That is one word used to describe them. Activities that calm and interest an individual provide valuable emotional maintenance.”

“And if I choose an ‘emotional maintenance activity’ you will leave me alone for the rest of the day?”

“That is an acceptable bargain. Which activity will you be pursuing?”

“I’ll tell you later. Something I did when I was a kid. It’s a surprise. I’m going to set up shop over in that corner of the cargo bay. Keep out until I say so.”

“I am eliminating singing loudly from the list. We do not have the soundproofing materials to keep that a secret.”

Bodhi snapped his fingers and shook his head. “Darn.”

* * *

_The grenade was in the shuttle. There was no way -_

Weight thunked down on his chest. Bodhi grabbed at it.

“I am here. You do not need to panic. You are here. You are safe.”

The flicker of light, and a kitten started purring. The weight sliding off his chest and next to him.

Bodhi fell back asleep almost immediately.

* * *

> Dear Jyn,
> 
> So. Well. How are you? This is awkward.
> 
> I fucked your father. He was a talented, gentle lover, with fingers that drove me to screaming and a mouth that was made to suck cock.
> 
> That’s a whole terrible conversation we never had. I genuinely think you might have killed me. Maybe? I don’t know. I did want to tell you about him. “So,” you said, once upon a time, “you know him?”
> 
> Yes Jyn, I knew him. In all the ways he let me. But for all that, the thing I wish I had told you was that he loved you. I had known him for a year before he even dared to tell me about you. He kept you and your mother deep in his heart. It was, I think, the most precious part of him, doled out in tiny pieces as a sacred trust.
> 
> Jyn, your father was complicated, cunning, and broken. It’s so unfair that he didn’t get to stay with you. If it gives you peace, he spent the last three years of his life loved. I would not have traded my time with him for anything. I wish I had been there when he…
> 
> No, I’m glad he was with you when he died. I’m glad for you both. I hope you’re with him now. You and your mother. Your family deserves more happiness than it got in this life.
> 
> Also, thank you. For trusting me. Letting me come along to Scarif. For believing in me, despite my uniform.
> 
> ~~Sincer~~ Love,
> 
> Bodhi 

~

“Sorry, that one got a little...explicit. I just needed to get that out there.”

“It’s fine. I’m looking up...you would have been Jyn’s step-father.”

“Oh, no. Noonono.”

“Did she ever call you Dad?”

“No!”

~

> Dear Jyn,
> 
> You didn’t shoot Cassian after all. As far as I know. I don’t actually know. You might have shot him on Scarif. Still, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I will not apologize for not trusting you. It was sensible. I am...glad...to be proven wrong.
> 
> K-2SO

* * *

“Don’t think about anything in particular. If I thought crosses your mind, let it go.”

Bodhi fidgeted, cross legged, in front of K-2SO. The droid played a meditation holovid that he was trying to follow along to.

“Don’t judge yourself, if you get distracted. Just go back to your breathing. In….and out.”

Bodhi was starting to hate that soothing monotone. There was a hair that was falling into his nose. He twitched his nose.

“Just listen to your breathing. In and Out.”

Bodhi tried to control his breathing. He took a deep breathe in.

_Sand underneath his feet. Ringing in his ears. Screaming. There was a man, by his feet, and he was screaming. He didn’t have an arm. Blood spilled out, staining the sand red._

All the breath exploded from him at once.

“Focus on your core, put your hands on your stomach. In and out.”

Bodhi’s breathing became jagged. He stood up. “Not working.”

“Sometimes it takes a long time to adjust to being still.”

“Not—not right now.” Bodhi’s hands shook.

“If you persist, research indicates that you will make great strides, and begin a biofeedback control that—”

“No! I—I am establishing parameters! Not this. Not now.”

“Fine. Parameters noted. I will revisit this later,” K-2SO said. The video flickered off.

Bodhi’s shoulders slumped. “Sorry I failed.”

“REPROGRAM THE CODE.” K-2SO’s voice thundered over the intercom. Bodhi jumped.

“That is not soothing,” Bodhi said.

“I DO NOT CARE. RUN THE NEW PROGRAM.”

“I keep telling you humans don’t—” Bodhi heard the click of the intercom coming on again. “No, no, I’m doing it. I...didn’t fail. I tried and that was its own success.”

“Very good,” K-2SO said at normal volume.

“This is so stupid,” Bodhi said.

“I baffle at your rejection of the scientific method,” K-2SO replied.

* * *

“Here.” Goggles still on his face, Bodhi nudged thin metal sheeting that made up the doors around his ‘workshop’ aside. He pushed the goggles up on his forehead and waved K-2SO over. He aside and nodded his head that K-2SO could come in. He pointed to the object on the middle of his small work station.

K-2SO’s droid body floated over and the camera whirred and zoomed on the object.

“It is a tiny ship.”

“Specifically, it is a tiny Zeta-class cargo shuttle with two wing-mounted laser cannons, two front-facing hull mounted laser cannons, and a rotating cannon on the belly.”

Bodhi carefully flipped the micro shuttle over. “The gun spins.”

Bodhi nudged the cannon and it rotated. He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. He felt the corners of his eyes crinkle. “You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to get that to work.”

“You built this tiny ship.”

“From the scrap metal and some of the redundant maintenance supplies. I did kits like these as a kid. Gave it up when I entered the academy. Forgot how fun it was to just...put something together.”

K-2SO went silent.

“I know it’s silly, but, it’s supposed to be something I enjoyed, right.” Bodhi felt self-doubt creep in.

The camera snapped up from the droid and focused on Bodhi. The holovid flickered on and a lanky humanoid with two massive horns was shown hunched over a console.

The humanoid looked up suddenly, “You’ve got to change the programming! It needs new code!”

Bodhi blinked at the holovid. “Where in your database did you even find something that specific?”

“It was a very comprehensive database,” the intercom answered. “Now, implement your new code or I will yell at you again. You called your work ‘silly’”

“Well, it is,” Bodhi said with a shrug.

The holovid rewound slightly, and played again at about ten times the volume. “IT NEEDS NEW CODE.”

“You are going to give me a heart attack!” Bodhi hissed. “I, um, fine, it’s not silly because I enjoyed it. It’s worthwhile to find things I enjoy.”

“Very good. Also, it is not silly because it’s me,” K-2SO said.

“I...yeah it’s the shuttle,” Bodhi said.

“A surprisingly faithful replica considering the materials you have to work with. I accept the portrait. Where shall we display it? I understand the fridge is customary.”

“I still need to paint it.”

The droid made a confused sounding chirp.

“To match the shuttle. Er, actually, to match what the shuttle could look like eventually. We are going to need to paint it to be slightly less Imperial-looking if we are trying to land as independent traveling historians.”

“I want it to have lightning bolts flickering down the side. And a fambaa, rearing and ready to fight.”

“Fambaa, giant riding lizards with teeth?”

“Yes.”

“That sounds horrifying. And not at all like something historians would have on the shuttle.”

“You have no taste in art.”

* * *

Bodhi started to go to sleep. He stripped for bed, taking a moment to stretch before slipping on the workout shorts he used as pajamas. He began to crawl into bed. He had gotten as far as pulling the sheets back before he stopped, and stuck his head back out the door.

“K-2SO?” he called down the ship.

“Yes,” the intercom overhead answered.

Bodhi blinked for a moment, musing about the odd existence of living both inside of and next to someone. It was probably impressive that the only problem that cropped up with regularity was figuring out where to orient conversations. Impressive, or troubling.

“I...ah...I was wondering if you’d mind just being in here to start with. The white noise is nice.”

“I still believe we should prioritize the procurement of a kitten,” the intercom informed him as K-2SO’s droid body trundled down the ship towards him.

“I like the light,” Bodhi said, voice going soft. “It reminds me that I’m here, and not anywhere else. It got dark in Saw Guerra’s cells.”

* * *

> Dear Mom,
> 
> Considering what you had to work with, you did an amazing job raising me. I was such an anxious little chatterbox, and you were so patient. Thank you for your kindness, thank you for teaching me, for the work you did guiding me.
> 
> I really hope you’d be proud of who I am now. We never really talked politics, so I really don’t know how you felt about the occupation of Jedha. I don’t know how you felt about me going off to be an Imperial Fighter Pilot. I don’t know how you’d feel about me joining the Rebellion.
> 
> I do know that you were one of the things that kept me going when I got busted out of fighter ranks and down to cargo and shipping. You were happy I found someone, worried he was trouble when I refused to give you details. You loved me well.
> 
> I can’t believe you’re gone. I can’t…
> 
> Look, I’m going to make sure that idiotic gun moon can’t hurt anyone else. Alright?
> 
> I think you’d be amazed by how much your nervous little boy managed to do. I’ve lived a life that I can be proud of. The strength it’s taken to live that life? You can take credit for most of it.
> 
> Love,  
> Your DiDi. 

~

“Call me DiDi and I will dismantle you.”

“Noted.”

“I guess you’re off the hook for this one. You didn’t know my Mom.”

“No, a deal is a deal. I’ll think of something.”

~

> Dear Manufacturing Arm 50199,
> 
> I have no reason to believe you have ceased to function. However, the chances of me seeing you again are so low as to be infinitesimal. I am informing you that you did a satisfactory job assembling my old body. None of the joints stuck, and everything was aligned. I required very little maintenance.
> 
> K-2SO

* * *

Mystfour...had not gone as planned. Not all bad. Bodhi had managed to hold it together while he needed to get things done. And by the force they had gotten things done. Bodhi still didn’t know exactly how K-2SO and he had pulled it off.

Still, now they were safely offplanet, away from bright young rebels and their crazy deathwish. Away from terrifying crushing responsibility.

Bodhi was not doing well. He curled up in the pilot’s chair, watching the hyperspace stars fly by. He couldn’t really move. He felt like he was actually existing just...slightly to the left of himself.

The intercom chimed, “Name five red things that you see.”

Bodhi blinked a couple times. He licked his lips and tried to talk. It took a couple tries.

“Um, I, the O2 indicator.” Bodhi looked around, “The...latch on the safety belt.

Bodhi stood up and got out of the chair. He walked back into the cargo area, noting a panel pried off the ship and the tangle of exposed wires. “That wire.”

He walked further back into the shuttle. The kitchen area. “That cup. And this tin of Cucious cherries.”

“Good,” the shuttle said. “Now, pick up the tin.”

Bodhi did so.

“Is it hard or soft?”

“Hard.”

“Hot or cold.”

“Neither. Room temperature. Maybe a little cool.”

“Name three things you hear.”

Bodhi paused. “Is there a reason we are doing this?”

“Distraction. Your intelligence cannot focus on as many things as once. Unlike mine. Apparently, by distracting your brain, you can stave off a number of adverse conditions.”

Bodhi looked down at his hands. He flexed them. They felt like his hands. “Hm. I think that one worked.”

* * *

Bodhi walked over to where K-2SO was hovering. He pulled up a crate and sat on it, putting himself at about eye level with the droid. He watched the camera focus on him.

Bodhi quirked a half smile, ran his fingers through his hair, and said, “I would like to revisit the idea of physical self maintenance.”

“This is odd timing,” K-2SO said.

“Well, Mystfour would have gone a lot more smoothly if one of us could fight. And, seeing as we still haven’t found a body that is capable of combat—” 

“I did just fine,” K-2SO shot back.

Bodhi reflected, then nodded. “Yes. Can you teach me hand to hand combat?”

“I’d rather teach you to wield your blaster properly. But I’ll see what we can do with the confined space.”

* * *

_His mother was there, reaching for him. As Bodhi tried to reach for her, he heard a blaster fire. Charring bloomed on her chest, and the smell of it filled his nose_

Weight on his chest. Droid under his hands. Sound of a kitten purring. Weight sliding off of him, tucking in next to him. Bodhi curled around the droid body, but found that this time, his panic wasn’t receding. Whenever he felt himself began to drift off to sleep, he tensed, remembering his nightmares.

Bodhi forced himself to inhale slowly through his nose.

“I hear the kitten you are playing for me. I hear your drives processing. I hear the ship’s engine hum.”

Bodhi felt his heartbeat slow down. When he stopped to think about it though, it went back up again. Bodhi sighed, then continued,

“This blanket is soft. Your body is hard. You are warm…”

Eventually, Bodhi did fall back to sleep.

* * *

> Dear Cassian,
> 
> I almost killed you, you lying bastard.
> 
> Alright, look, I was more than half out of my mind. I had been tortured and the first thing that actually made sense was you and your stupid earnest face asking if I knew the name Galen Erso. You found the one fucking thread in my mind that could have actually pulled me out of the hurricane my thoughts had become.
> 
> And then you marched me up the hill with a sniper rifle down your back and had me point out Galen. I pointed him out and you told me to leave. Just having a look. With your sniper rifle.
> 
> You know what the sad thing is? I was a good ten, twenty feet down the hill before I put it all together again. I trusted you. You were with the Rebellion, the real Rebellion, not the one that strapped me to a chair and set a monster on me. You were going to make things right.
> 
> I turned around, Cassian. I grabbed a rock. I started up towards you again, as silently as I could manage. I was angry. I was furious.
> 
> I stopped. Galen wouldn’t want me to. Galen was willing to die for the cause. And if you killing him was what was needed to actually get the Rebellion to take the threat seriously, then that was what he would have wanted to happen.
> 
> So I went. I got us a ship.
> 
> It was so satisfying to watch Jyn tear into you. And apparently you didn’t kill him. Who knows why. Still, that’s something.
> 
> “We don't all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something.”
> 
> Your words burned me. They weren’t for me but...Galen would have loved you. Or at least understood you. He spent his life living a lie because he believed in the cause. It’s such a shame that you were ordered to put a gun to his head. The things the two of you could have done together.
> 
> And now you’re both gone, and it’s just me. So fine. I forgive you, Cassian, for being so dedicated to your cause that you overlooked a good man. You died so the rebellion could live. So did he.
> 
> I’ll do my best to pick up where you left off.
> 
> May you find Peace,
> 
> Bodhi Rook. 

~

“Ugh, that was a rough one to get out. Oh, shit, um, maybe you could not read it?”

“Too late.”

“Oh no. Look, I didn’t - you’re going to kill me, aren’t you.”

“Why would I kill you? Your sentiment was logical considering the information you were working with. I am surprised I missed you, though.”

“Missed me? Like, with a gun?”

“Again, I am not going to kill you. I was normally very skilled at detecting threats towards Cassian. I did not even see this situation coming. No wonder you make such a good spy.”

“Don’t say that. That implies I am going to have to do more spying in the future. I—you are seriously still alright with me? I wouldn’t blame you if you needed time.”

“I am seriously still alright with you. Go calm down. Drink some soothing flower water.” 

~

> Dear Cassian,
> 
> You are the first person I considered a friend. I am not conflicted about this. Considering how much conflict Bodhi feels about his own programming I expect that would be a surprise to most humans. No. You were a good friend and a good partner.
> 
> I would prefer a scenario where you were with us. It would be fun to yell at you over the intercoms. You would be better at shooting guns than Bodhi is. Bodhi is my new partner. He inferior to you in some ways. He is superior in others. Many of the differences are unquantifiable.
> 
> Every possible future scenario I analyzed left me alone after you died. The best outcome I could foresee was one where I did not get wiped and fitted with an restraining bolt.
> 
> This is better.
> 
> K-2SO

* * *

"This seems fake." Bodhi shifted in the pilot's seat, looking down at the console.

"I don't know why you think that. This is the most logical reprogramming method we've tried yet," K-2SO said.

"I think that because the plan is literally 'stare at lights and talk about terrible things. That sounds like a really fake idea."

"Yes, exactly. Allow external stimulus to provide new neural connections. Nothing we have done has made more sense. It is literally what you did when you connected me to the shuttle."

"There were wires involved." Bodhi folded his arms.

"I can make there be wires involved" K-2SO said. He moved towards the terminal.

Bodhi quickly uncrossed his arms. "No, no, that's fine. Let's try it."

"Finally. Track the console light with your eyes." A light started on the console, flicking across the different alerts as it ran across the board then back. Bodhi tracked the light back and forth across the console. He became distracted briefly by K-2SO's droid body flickering into his field of vision, focusing the camera on his face.

"Pay attention to the light."

Bodhi re-focused his attention.

"Good. Now, tell me your point of view of the Battle of Scarif."

Bodhi felt his throat go dry, and he clenched the sides of the pilot's chair. He swallowed twice and then forced himself to begin speaking. "As we approached the planet gate, I had to give the transport codes..."

* * *

Bodhi sat back from the console after he was done sharing. He looked up at the ceiling, exhausted.

From the ceiling dangled three small ships. One was the Zeta-class transport shuttle with a paint job that was a compromise between Bodhi’s desire to blend in and K-2SO’s desire for lurid overexpression. Next to it hung a small TIE Striker on one side, painted with the details of the black squadron Bodhi had dreamed of flying. On the other side perched a generic X-Wing. Maybe he’d get the chance to fly one of those someday.

Bodhi stood up, and reached above his head, tapping the three ships and making them wiggle back and forth. He lingered on the shuttle, turning it toward the TIE Striker.

“Ka pewsh, Ka pa paw. Eeeeaaaaah.” He shook the Tie Striker and made and exploding noise. With a soft chuckle to himself, he made his way back to his “workshop.” The paint job on the Z-95 Headhunter was ready for another coat.

* * *

Bodhi woke up. But more than that, he was awake. That was a novelty.

He nearly skipped into the kitchenette. A cup of caf was waiting for him.

“I slept amazing! I don’t need caf!” Bodhi said, throwing his arms in the air as he faced K-2SO. The droid began reaching for his cup.

“Don’t you dare. I still WANT caf.” Bodhi quickly grabbed at the cup.

* * *

> Dear Galen,
> 
> I’m doing better. I love you, I miss you, I’ll never forget you.
> 
> But I’m ready to say goodbye. Thank you for our time together. Go, be happy with Jyn. I’m fine.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Bodhi

~

“Shorter than I expected.”

“Yes. Still, it’s all I needed to say. You know, the letter to the arm was hilarious, but you are off the hook for this one.”

“It was meant to be touching, not hilarious. And I refuse. I have things to say to Galen.”

“You didn’t know Galen.”

“So?”

~

> Dear Galen,
> 
> Bodhi is a satisfactory partner. I see why you chose him.
> 
> He is my partner now. This is a warning. If you come back somehow and mess up his debugging I will shock you into oblivion.
> 
> XOXO,
> 
> K-2SO

* * *

“Oh, force, I’m sorry!” Bodhi knelt beside K-2SO and checked the side of his chassis. “Yeah, it’s dented.”

The holovid player flicked on, a boy about aged three saying, “Really???”

“Yes, look, I’m sorry, a few minutes with a welder and I’ll get that straightened out again.”

“Wow,” a middle aged woman said, nodding her head. “Good fighting, kid.”

Bodhi chuckled. He let his kneeling collapse into sit. He leaned back on his hands and looked at the stars.

“Good idea landing here, K-2SO. Didn’t realize I missed seeing the sky.”

The comm clipped to Bodhi’s chest turned on. “Kaytoo.”

“Mmmm?”

“You can call me Kaytoo. It’s a bit ridiculous to say ‘K-2SO’ all the time. It’s a mouthful. Cassian called me Kay. Or Kaytoo. You can too.”

“Oh. Thanks,” Bodhi said, looked over at K-2SO and smiled.

“Can I call you DiDi?” K-2SO asked.

“No,” Bodhi replied.

The comm clicked off. The holovid player went back to the three year old boy in a difference scene, arms crossed and pouting. “No fun at all.”

The holovid player shut off. K-2SO trundled over to where Bodhi was sitting and nudged him in the side. Bodhi nearly fell over.

“Tag,” K-2SO said.

Bodhi gave a halfhearted reach with his arm. K-2SO dodged out of the way. He remained just out of arm’s reach until Bodhi leaned to get up. Then K-2SO cranked up the thrusters and shot the droid body away from Bodhi.

Bodhi got to standing, brushed the dust off of his pants, and gave chase.

Eventually, Bodhi got tired of chasing K-2SO in and out of the same crevasse of rocks. He let the droid get out of sight then climbed up on the rocks. As K-2SO circled around he jumped down off the rocks and landed squarely on top of K-2SO’s body. The force drove K-2SO down, his thrusters fighting the descent but eventually losing, and his body touched the dust. Bodhi arranged all his limbs to drape over the droid, hanging on as the droid indignantly tried to get up. K-2SO shifted back and forth, and Bodhi started giggling. Eventually, the droid tried some sort of an odd roll maneuver that dumped Bodhi off of him, by which time Bodhi was laughing so hard that tears were in his eyes.

The droid’s holovid clicked back on, and an old man joined Bodhi in laughter.

Eventually, Bodhi’s laughs calmed down enough. He let himself relax into the dust, breathing heavy.

His comm clicked on, “Whenever you are done, come back to the ship. I’ve made a fresh pot of caf.”

* * *

Bodhi hunched over his datapad, typing. He bit his lip and worked for a minute longer. Eventually he set down the padd and pushed back from the table.

“There. I think that’s the last one.”

“Another letter? I thought you were done when you wrote Galen’s.”

“Hm, realized I forgot one. It’s not really a letter to a lost loved one, though. Just read it.”

~

> Kaytoo,
> 
> Thanks for telling me I was broken. Thanks for believing I could be fixed. I’m still not, I know, fixed. I don’t know if I ever will be all the way. But, Kay, I think back to where I was at when we started this and...I am better.
> 
> I don’t know what the future holds. I’ll have bad days. But I believe I’ll have good ones now, too.
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> Bodhi Rook

**Author's Note:**

> End Note: 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!! This one was a pain to write, mostly because I wanted to tell a (hopefully) good story without sacrificing what recovery looks like. But this topic was so near and dear to my heart, I had to write it. I really hope you enjoyed the ride. 
> 
> Specific Trigger Explanation: 
> 
> Symptoms of PTSD: Disassociation, irritability, sleep disturbance, flashbacks, nightmares, racing heart, hypervigilance, and feeling frozen all described.  
> Remembered/Imagined violence: Bodhi's nightmares and flashbacks include screaming, people with lost limbs, being shot with blasters, and burned flesh  
> Blood: Bodhi's nightmares include references to the look, taste, and smell of blood  
> Body horror: Bodhi's nightmares briefly feature visions of twisted/grotesque people  
> Breath and breathing: Bodhi's flashbacks and nightmares sometimes lead to difficulty breathing and choking sensations  
> Suicidal Ideation: In a letter, Bodhi briefly recounts that there are times that he would have rather been dead, and things have happened that he wishes he had not had to live through. 
> 
> Finicky Mental Health Stuff: So, Bodhi definitely has the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). BUT in this fic the Battle of Scarif happened less than a month ago, and most of his symptoms and triggers are tied to that event. Using the American diagnosing system (DSM-5) he technically would be diagnosed with Acute Stress Disorder, not PTSD. Apparently, something isn’t post until it’s at least a month after the thing that happened. This is part of the reason I gave Bodhi the renamed “TISS.” Trying to explain that in-fic seemed like a bad idea, not not really relevant to the plot I was trying to tell.
> 
> More information on the real-life therapies used:
> 
> Caveat time! I am not a trained therapist, and I don't know your specific situation. I'm talking about these things generally, and for one reason or another, it might not work for you specifically. But, knowledge is power, so let's proceed to Snow's Fun Mental Health Learning Time!
> 
> K-2SO begins with a discussion of "self-maintenance" This is more typically known as self-care. The things Bodhi first lists are the basics, food, water, sleep, hygiene. You feel like shit is a really fantastic online walkthrough of self-care.
> 
> Next up, K-2SO tries to introduce the idea of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. We didn't go into too much detail in the story, but it's basically a concentrated effort to figure out what sorts of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are not working for you, and finding better options. Now, I haven't tried it, but I've heard good things about MoodGYM, a free CBT walkthrough.
> 
> Bodhi gives meditation a shot, but it doesn't work for him. This is important, because not everyone is going to respond well to everything. However, many people have really good results from different kinds of meditation. I was going to try to find a link for this one, but honestly, just go on youtube and click around until you find one whose voice doesn't make you want to murder things.
> 
> After having a bit of a setback, K-2SO uses grounding with Bodhi. Grounding is a technique of calming yourself down, keeping panic attacks at bay, and reminding yourself that you are in a place that is safe. The method that K-2SO and Bodhi use is more external, interacting with your environment, finding objects and describing them. There are more, check out This list of techniques.
> 
> The last exercise, the one that Bodhi was so skeptical of with the moving lights, is known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Yes, it is a real thing. Yes, it has science backing it up. No, K-2SO probably did it wrong. This is the technique I have the least experience with personally, so was most likely to terribly mess up. But! You can learn more about it from [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing)
> 
> Thus concludes Snow's Fun Mental Health Learning Time!
> 
> Alright, if you’ve made it through all of that and you are still with me, you deserve a treat. Um...okay, here’s a peek into my outlining process:
> 
> “Bodhi comes and they are like, ‘Oh boy, a valuable veteran. A real Rebellion hero. Now we can be official.’ 
> 
> And Bodhi is like...noooooo.”
> 
> I am the best at outlining.


End file.
